Where to find me.

After much thought I've decided to move places and head over to my new blog.

I hope you'll join me in my randomness! :D

Writing

I miss writing.  I miss blogging. I need to get back into it, but I keep putting it off.

Why? 

Because I haven't done anything about my infertility this year, like, at all. I suck at monitoring my ovulation. I haven't taken vitamins. I haven't even hardly thought about trying for a baby.

And I almost feel like a fake if I continue to write here. Just because most of the people I follow, and those who follow me (if any of you are still out there) are on the baby path and I'm just...not.

So then the big debate comes, do I stay here? Or do I move to another blog? Do I want to start another blog?  How long will I keep up blogging for?

Why are there so many questions?

I have no idea.  What do you guys think?

Let it all out.

Apparently my negative nancy attitude about trying for a baby again has seeped it's way past the online realm and onto my friends.

Tonight a friend and I were chatting on the phone about random stuff when (out of the blue I might add) I pipe up, "So my husband wants to try for a baby again."

And my friend says, "Oh?" (she knows about my infertility even though I don't really talk about it much these days).

And apparently that was my cue to launch into a 10 minute spiel about how over I am regarding babies.  I passionately said things along the lines of:

"God, I don't even care about hanging out with pregnant women any more! Five years ago you'd find me crying for three days, THREE FREAKIN' DAYS if someone announced their pregnancy. Now I just roll with the punches and move on with my life."

"Seriously sometimes I go home to my silent house and I'm so happy. I can sleep in when I want and I don't have a little person dictating my life schedule."

"I am just over the idea that this is going to happen naturally. And seriously if one more person asks why I don't just adopt I'm going to go ballistic."

And so on and so forth.

I have to give her credit. She listened and mhm'ed and did all the right things. Again, I am so incredibly grateful that I can just start yelling things about IUI's and IVF's and I have fabulous friends who listen and understand me.

I think I just really needed to get all that out there, maybe as a way of testing myself to see how truly ok I am?  And truly...I am.

Tonight a friend called and gave me a surprise pregnancy announcement (someone they knew of and it was an accidental pregnancy so this news is slightly scandalous) and I didn't even bat an eyelash.

And I gotta say, it was really nice to just get that all off my chest verbally to a person besides my husband.

Again, I'm wondering if my "fuck it all" attitude will change once a cycle has come and gone. I suppose we'll see. For now, I'm really enjoying documenting my thoughts on not giving a shit, because normally I do give a shit and this is just such a nice change of pace for me.

Random Wednesday Thoughts

You guys seriously have no idea how true the above statement is.

And so it goes.

Today is Day 1.

Tomorrow begins the tedious work of tracking and vitamin taking and did I mention tracking?

I have my Ovacue.

I have my preseed.

I have my vitamins.

I have my Circle and Bloom.

It's been at least six months since we've talked about trying.  I'm excited, overjoyed, hopeful realistic.

It feels so strange to know I'm going into trying again, and not feeling that stirring of hope I normally do. I wonder if that feeling will change once I'm further into my cycle. Or maybe I just know myself too well to know better than to put all my hope the first cycle.

Whatever the outcome, it won't be for lack of trying.

It will be good.

First of all, I'm incredibly emotional this week so if my post seems...emotional, well, it's because I am.

Yesterday my husband and I wandered out to lunch and then to the bookstore (yay!). In the midst of our outing, we discussed seriously moving out of state and everything that would need to happen.

We have a few big concerns, but one that my husband brought up was the fact that we have four pets, and how hard it will be to find a rental house that allows that many pets.

And then we talked about how it would be so much easier if we had less pets, but that we couldn't really fathom the idea of giving them away to anyone else. He said, "I do and don't want to have less pets. I love them but it's going to be expensive to keep them if we have to put down deposits."

I agreed, because it's the truth.

We dropped the conversation shortly afterwards but later on yesterday evening it popped back up into my head. And it was then that I truly started to panic at the thought that we could ever consider giving away one of our children.

When I say "panic" I mean, I turned into a crying, gooey mess in my house (I was home alone) at the thought of not having one of my four babies with me.

I was hellbent on talking to my husband about how I felt about this last night, but then the conversation never came up.

This morning though, I think he felt the same way I did, without us even speaking of it.

The weather was so perfect today. Cloudy and damp after a good night's rain. The temperature was a beautiful 65 degrees.

My husband and I decided to go have breakfast together at the only place to have breakfast at in our town.  And then I randomly piped up and said, "I think we should take the dogs somewhere today."

And on our way home to pick them up, we dreamed out loud about living in a house with land that they could run on and how they would have to adapt to the weather changes.

Somewhere ended up being the desert about 10 minutes from our house. We brought our beautiful DSLR camera and wandered down paths in the desert for a little over an hour.

The dogs thoroughly enjoyed themselves, and it was relaxing to be away from traffic and brick fences and people.

Right as we decided to leave, the sun broke out from behind the clouds. We chuckled at how happy we were to have been able to walk all that time without the sun shining down on us (a complete rarity where we live).

Now both doggies are fast asleep in our living room where they belong.

I'll save up whatever money I have to. I'll beg landlords. I can't leave any of my pets behind when the time comes for us to move.

                               

Oh, man.

My husband and I haven't seriously discussed trying for children in a long time, at least since last winter.  We've both been really busy doing our own thing: he with fixing his truck and I with reading and book blogging.

We've settled into a comfortable routine with our lives, and even the pregnant ladies haven't bothered me. This is quite a feat because some of you have been around my "Holy shit why has life handed me a pile of shit known as infertility" attitude in the past.

Recently though, my husband has been sporadically bringing up the whole "Where are you in your cycle?" bullshit.  The first time was a few weeks ago. I was drying my legs from showering and he asked. I nearly dropped the towel in shock before stammering, "Uh I dunno..why?" and he replied, "I think we should start trying again."

So my first thought at that point was, "This is just a ploy for more happy time!"

But no, he brought it up again a week later.  And that time I asked why he was suddenly so interested and he said, "I want a little person to hang out with and do things with, like four wheeling and stuff." And I jokingly said, "What if we have a daughter?" and he's like, "She'll go and learn that stuff too."

I'll be honest, I was pretty damn baffled with his sudden interest in wanting to start trying again, but last week I think I've pinpointed the reason: his best friend is going to be a dad.

We were in the truck driving home when he told me. And he just kept saying, "[insert friend's name] is going to be such a good dad. He's always been good with kids. He's just going to be such a good dad. I told him I was so happy for him and what a good dad he'd be."

It made me tear up (kinda like I am now) just hearing him say that. My husband would be (and hopefully some day will be) a good dad. I know it. He's not the most outgoing guy, and I know he feels a little nervous around kids (although my niece and nephew are helping break him of that), but I know if we had our own child he'd be a fabulous parent.

But I'll be honest, I'm really skeptical about wanting to go back into all the stress and anxiety and sadness that trying for a baby brings.

After years of trying and failing, and all the work that goes into charting my cycles and actually giving a shit and keeping track, I've lost the "magic and sunshine" that comes with the feeling of the line "let's try for a baby."

I'm pessimistic. I'm too busy to want to bother. This is the longest I've gone where I'm not a baby maniac or thinking about having children.

I've been just kinda nonchalant about the whole thing, but if he's serious about doing this, I need to see that it with actions more than just words. And before your mind goes in the gutter, I mean by him actually quitting smoking and taking vitamins and trying to be healthier.